5 Easy steps to make enemies
In ascending order of effectiveness.
i’ve only used 3 of the 5 to make enemies, try to guess which 3!
5) Play Texas-Hold em on the Alzheimer ward at your local nursing home:
Change the rules as necessary to assure that you take home all the Social Security money you can stuff in your pockets!
4) Punch/kick the spawn of strangers w/out reason
Midget punting lost it’s appeal? Try toddler punching instead. Bonus points for the kid on a leash.
Tip: If played just right the kid on a leash paired with attached parent can be used for a fun game of impromptu “tether-baby”
3) Dress like Hitler and attend a Bar Mitzvah
For a little extra flair claim their sofa as your own & refer to it as “Mein Kampf-Y seat”
2) Be honest
If you want to stack up enemies like Paul Bunyan stacked up sequoias in his pacific-north-west de-forestation campaign then just be honest. i’m not talking about brutal/cruel honesty, just plain open heart-felt honesty.
Especially in our modern Christian tradition.
Be honest about your doubts, your struggles, your questions and failures & just wait for the Pharisee-piranhas to smell the blood in the water.
It is true that in the current changing spiritual climate that there are many people who will embrace your honesty (& you – side hug only if you are of the opposite sex) openly. Yet there still remain those who view any honest expression as stage-one blasphemy & the first step onto a yellow baby-oil slathered slip-n-slide that leads directly into the gaping mouth of Hell itself.
1) Ride a bike
It doesn’t matter what kind of bike you ride all will engender a passionate loathing if you venture beyond the confines of your own drive-way or lawn on them. But if you want to really make enemies- buy a road bike.
Nothing makes blood boil faster than riding a road bike on America’s by-ways.
NEWSFLASH for impatient American Drivers:
Walmart will still be there when you get there.
Little Caesars will still sell $6 pizzas.
You CAN pass a cyclist.
If your presence was that urgent and important wherever you are headed you should a) leave earlier next time OR b) your local government will issue you a vehicle equipped with lights & a siren.
The worst offenders by far are what are affectionately called by both those who love them and hate them alike as: Rednecks.
Yes, those dip spitting, truck raising, gun toting, confederate flag waving “good-ole boys” are the most expressive about their hatred for their fellow humans who enjoy propelling themselves along on 2 skinny tires.
That’s right; the same folks who think it’s outrageous that the law frown on their use of 4 wheelers on public highways has an extreme distaste for others who use other alternative transportation on those same roads.
The same people who ride their demon-steeds (aka: horses) on the road averaging a blistering pace of 4-6 miles per hour on lengthy rides become angry when others are crawling along at a snails pace averaging only 14-20mph!
New idea for the back of a cycling jersey: “i support hunting rights, please don’t kill me!”
Also: old folks will hate you & refuse to cross the center yellow line when passing you; buzzing past you inches away with their myopic vision and slowed reflexes!
Figure out which 3 i’ve employed to engender hatred yet?
ok, maybe it’s only 2…
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